So it was around this same time 4 years ago that the hubs and I started dating and really falling in love. I was thinking about it today and thought I should write out the story of us as I remember it. So, here is part one. Its more of a back story…. but hope you enjoy it!
I was always really good about having plans and dreams and goals. I had my whole life planned…. Up to that point anyway. From the time I was a young girl I knew I wanted to travel. I had been on several missions trips with Teen Mania and dreamed of being an intern helping to produce the ATF events. Specifically, I wanted to be a part of the drama. I didn’t think I had a chance, to be honest. While I found myself confident in certain arenas, for some reason I just didn’t think I was good enough…. Translated: good looking enough…. To be a part of that team. I ended up becoming an intern in 2005 and working hand in hand with those very people I wanted to be. I knew I wanted to be a part of the ministry team, I wanted to be on the frontlines. I wanted to travel the country. I ended up being put on the drama team. I had made it. I was living my dream and loving every minute of it.
The problem was, I didn’t know what was next. Midway through the spring tour I thought I found the answer. You see, there was this guy. We had been friends for a long time. 7 years actually. We had liked each other off and on throughout the awkward teenage years, but had lived states apart so nothing really surfaced. We started talking more and more throughout that year. He had dreams of being a youth pastor. He told me I was beautiful. I trusted him with my secrets. The idea of there being an “us” always sounded nice. It wasn’t something I could pursue seriously because of the strict dating rules at Teen Mania. Then came the point in my internship where the rules changed and I was allowed to date. We both knew that day was coming. I stayed up until midnight on that night just to text him “I like you. Like… LIKE LIKE you.” Later that day I called him and we talked a little about it, but something seemed off about it. He didn’t think it was a good idea. He didn’t know what he wanted. The idea of me moving across the country just to be with him must have scared him. I guess looking back that did put a huge weight on his shoulders. “what if it doesn’t work out?” he asked…. I didn’t give it a second thought, because I was determined to make it work. Over the next month we continued to talk and flirt. He would say something about liking me and then say something about how we should just be friends. For over a year he had been telling me how much he liked me, how awesome he thought I was, how he wanted to call me his girlfriend. Then when it started to become real, he seemed to change. At one point he told me he thought he was leading me on. At the time I dismissed it because I didn’t want it to be true. Finally I got tired of being in this weird undefined relationship. I confronted him about it and asked what he really wanted “us” to be…
“Let’s just be friends” he answered.
My heart was crushed. Maybe my young hormonal self had invested too much emotionally. So what if I had planned our wedding and named our children? I left that conversation feeling confused, heart broken, hurt and angry. Remembering this day still brings tears to my eyes. But I didn’t see what was happening… I didn’t realize that God had better things in store for me. Sometimes our biggest heartbreaks are the tools God uses to soften our hearts in preparation for what he really wants to give us.