So I’m trying to get into the habit of writing everyday, even if I don’t feel like I have anything specific to say. Writing is a release of sorts. I feel like I have revelations that I wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t tried to explain it in writing. Sometimes I feel like writing is a drain-o of sorts, it just unclogs my mind and lets the thoughts flow out.
I was talking with Chris yesterday morning about how I just feel a whole new level of peace these days. I can’t explain it, but for the last couple of months I feel like i’ve been struggling. There has just been a heavy spirit, it seemed like I was constantly battling to stay in control of my thoughts. I often felt reclusive. I wouldn’t exactly say depressed, but it was something like that. Maybe it was just the pregnancy hormones being out of whack, or maybe it was just some type of spiritual warfare, I don’t know. What I do know is now I feel so at peace. I feel not only joyful but happy. I’m actually enjoying life so much. I know all I do is sit at home and take care of Payton, but for the first time in awhile I feel like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing in life, i feel a sense of contentment i’ve been missing. I know that I am called to be a mother and a wife. I also know there is something else I’m supposed to be doing. Some kind of ministry to the outside world, but i’m not exactly sure what that is. I have been feeling like it could be something with high school/college age girls and mentoring… but I also feel like Chris and I could have a strong ministry to couples as well. When I think about being involved in a church, for the first time in a long time I don’t know exactly where I fit. I feel like I’ve always just filled a need, never really followed my heart. I’m not one for ladies ministry, but maybe some kind of prayer and outreach? I really don’t know. For the time being I’m just going to take some time off of being heavily involved with church ministry and really search out where God wants me to be.
I’ve had a few verses stuck in my head for the last few days and thought I would share them with you….
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”- Isaiah 55:8-9
–such a wonderful reminder when things aren’t going the way i think they should. HE knows what is best, even if I don’t understand. He is in total control. this helps me hold on to peace in what could be chaos.
“These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”-Deut 6:6-7
–This one rings so true to me when it says impress them on your children. I want so desperately to teach Payton to know WHY she believes what she believes, not just to believe it because we do. I want her to want to know God for herself. I know He has a plan for her and I am so excited to see her grow up to be an amazing woman of God.