writing

Never Say Never

Never. Again.

I swore up and down that I would never get married again. I had fallen for the “happily ever after” trap once and was not going to make that mistake again. As a very young and naive barely twenty year old, I met a boy that I thought was my white knight. He came riding in on his high horse to rescue me from the chaos and instability of my life in that moment. In my desperation to feel loved and accepted, I lost myself. It wasn’t all at once, but piece by piece I willingly sacrificed nearly everything that made me who I am to gain that love and acceptance I so desired. When my marriage ended I vowed never to give away those sacred parts of myself again… I would never ever get married again.

Spoiler alert: I got married again.

It turns out that it wasn’t marriage itself that suffocated my sense of self, it was THAT marriage. A dangerously toxic combination of insecurity, pride, and wounds of the past created the perfect storm that led to my demise. It took years of healing, countless tears, a few more heartbreaks, and some type of divine intervention from the universe to find the one who would change my mind about marriage.

What I didn’t expect was to find a partner who was capable of changing my mind about having more children. I wasn’t against having more kids because I didn’t want more kids, but because the most traumatic part of my divorce was (and continues to be) navigating custody, co-parenting, and knowing that while the divorce was the best thing for me… My daughter has had to pay a price for that.

You would think I would learn to never say never, but apparently I haven’t. As we worked together to intentionally build a foundation of trust, respect, and love it was overflowing. It was out of that overflow that we chose to expand our family. It wasn’t some socially expected “next step” or some need to have a child to “fix” our relationship, it was because our home and hearts were so full of love that it just made sense to expand that. My, what a different experience this was for me.

It was October of 2020 and we were preparing for a beautiful cottage getaway in Maine with our besties who live in NYC. As we drove from NYC to Maine, I casually asked if we could stop for a pregnancy test. I was only a date late starting my period, but I was curious. We couldn’t find anywhere until the next day. It was the middle of the afternoon in that tiny adorable cottage that we found out we were expecting. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to find out about this gift of life than being surrounded by those who have seen me crumble, fall, and work like hell to find peace. ((Sidebar to say: Find your people, your tribe… and hold tight to them even if it means cross country flights, video calls, and countless texts day after day))

10.10.2020

It didn’t seem real. We were too excited to hold it in and video called both of our families from the beautiful backyard in that little cottage.

We were wrapped in so much love before deciding to expand our family and infinitely more love after sharing that we were expecting that it just felt so right.

This baby was going to be one of my favorite life lessons (that I still haven’t learned)…

Never Say Never.

((This post is about when we found out we were pregnant in October of 2020 with our precious Hazel Jean, who is now nearing 9 months old! I wanted to go back and document these moments as I ease back into writing as a creative outlet… We are not expecting another one… not just yet *wink*))

Family Life

mama’s have “mondays” too

I think people have an over-idealized perception of the life of a stay at home mom. Most days, it is a dream job. I get to spend the day taking care of my precious baby and managing my household and I truly enjoy it.  But sometimes Monday sneaks up on me. This is especially true today.

the laundry is crying out to be done after a weekend of neglect.
the dishes in the sink aren’t going to wash themselves.
being that it is the end of the month, the budget/bill paying needs to be done.
my coffee has gotten cold twice before i’ve been able to drink it.
the fridge is overwhelmingly full of “expired” leftovers and is lacking anything of real value.
which means I need to do my meal planning and grocery shopping.
every time I go from room to room I trip over a baby and two dogs.
my history exam is due by tomorrow and I haven’t done half as much reading as I should have.

so, fellow mamas, know that you are not alone if you suffer from a case of the mondays.

even though those things can seem overwhelming or get on my nerves, I honestly don’t mind them.
having laundry means I have clothes to wear.
having a sink-full of dishes means I had food to eat.
having to pay bills means that i have money to pay them… i have electricity, a car to drive etc….
a cold cup of coffee (usually) means i’ve been distracted by playing with an adorable little girl
leftovers remind me of great dinners with my family
the opportunity to plan for meals means I don’t have to wonder where my next meal is coming from
tripping over baby and dogs usually means i’m loved and wanted
i’m blessed to be able to do school while being able to take care of my baby girl.

so every downside has an upside. you just have to find it.

Happy Monday!

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Family Life, parenting

overwhelmed.

this mama is tired. i know i haven’t written on here in awhile… things have been crazy. since the last time i wrote i started my first term of college classes and i went back to work after being home for 12 weeks on maternity leave. it was hecka hard to say good bye to my baby girl on that first day. i didn’t cry as much as the week went on. it was a hard adjustment. while going back to work meant i didn’t see my baby girl all day, it also meant i didn’t exercise much. good news is i didn’t gain any weight. bad news was i didn’t lose any either. at the end of my second week back at work i was laid off. it wasn’t that unexpected considering the whole company is shutting down. i was actually relieved to be able to spend the days back at home with my little payton. i felt like all last week i was playing catch up with the housework and schoolwork. its crazy how laundry and dishes pile up when you’re not constantly doing them. i feel like i’m just starting to get back into the routine. i’m not gonna lie, it is still hard to find balance. just when you think you have a routine down she starts a growth spurt or begins teething. she has been extra cranky lately which makes for one tired mommy. while she still naps quite a bit i spend all the time i can working on my college classes when she is asleep. the problem with that is i find it hard to focus on schoolwork when the house isn’t clean, so i spend just as much time trying to keep the house clean. sometimes i just feel like i’m in a whirlwind of laundry, excel budget spreadsheets, shopping lists, dishes and diapers. some days i just feel emotional. and don’t want to do anything. then right in that moment when i feel like my head is about to explode i get a text or IM from my amazing husband… or a big gummy smile from my precious girl… and thats just what i need to recharge. i’ve learned quite a bit. like i’ve learned its ok to put her up in her crib for awhile if shes crying and i just need a mommy moment ((which is what i’m doing right now)) sometimes i just need a moment to recharge and refocus and remember why i do what i do. because i love it. and i love my husband. and i love my baby.