Category: writing

hi there!

welcome to my imperfect little corner of the interwebs.

i’m courtney.

some of you may know me from what feels like a previous life over at journeyofadreamer.com. i spent years and years blogging about my life there. that courtney was an entirely different person. that courtney was a young and optimistic wife, mother, business owner, and health enthusiast. over the past few years life has happened and i’m no longer most of those things. i’m now a not as young 30 year old divorced mother and grad student trying to figure out the rest of the “who i am” question.

second puberty is real, ya’ll.

as i emerge from my years of blogging silence i thought it was fitting that i create a completely new online space for the new me. the old courtney was obsessed with meeting the expectations of others, both online and in real life. and it broke me. as i felt the world as i knew it shattering around me i grasped for those shards of expectations i had built my entire worldview on, refusing to acknowledge the pain it caused me and those closest to me… attempting to smile as i bled out from the wounds created by grasping tightly to something so broken.

so, here i am.

broken. bloody. bruised.

but more alive than ever.

see, when hit rock bottom there is nothing else to lose. i lost it all. and in the midst of the darkest time of my life i made the decision to truly start living. and for the first time in my three decades of life, i acknowledged and embraced my imperfections. i still have some struggles with my desire to live up to expectations and portray this image of perfection. so i’ve dubbed myself a recovering perfectionist. embracing my flaws, shortcomings, and quirks as the things that make me unique instead of making me less valuable.

here i’ll share my thoughts about divorce, parenting & co-parenting, being a grad student at 30, finding financial peace, and learning to live a balanced healthy life.

follow me on facebook, instagram, and pinterest to stay up to date.

i’m still in the process of designing and creating this online space… but i didn’t want to wait for it to be perfect before launching it. so, here it is in all of it’s imperfect glory.

and, boy howdy, is it imperfect. but it’s mine. see for a long time my ex-husband handled all my blog tech stuff. as i decided to get back into blogging and create a new space i knew i had to do it myself. and i did. from buying the domain to setting up hosting and installing wordpress and themes… i did it all on my own. once upon a time i believed i was a damsel in distress and wanted someone to ride in on a white horse and rescue me. now, i realize i’m so much more capable than i gave myself credit for and i am determined to figure things out for myself. and i have! not without some tears, throwing things, and lots of ice cream. but i have done it. and i’m damn proud.

i’m looking forward to sharing more with you as i walk this imperfect and unpredictable journey of life.

cheers to new beginnings!

what is something you have done recently that made you feel proud of yourself?

Just over month ago I turned 30.

I had so many plans and dreams and expectations about what 30 would look like. I wasn’t one of those people who dreaded it. I expected to leave the struggles and uncertainty of my twenties behind me and embrace a new decade as a more powerful and confident version of myself.

I wasn’t exactly wrong… but I wasn’t exactly right.

I enjoy taking time around stereotypical life milestones to reflect on things leading up to that point, compare it with my expectations, and readjust as I move forward. As 30 crept up on me I hungered for that day to come and go, one to symbolize a new beginning… a chance to start fresh. You know the “we can start over on Monday” mindset when you mess up a diet. I needed that with life.

As it turns out, I’d get that – just not in the way I expected.

Most of my twenties were incredibly amazing… times and decisions I wouldn’t trade for the world. I learned so much, grew so much, experienced so much. Not all experiences and growth were pleasant… many were painful and difficult. Each experience and decision led me to where I am today.

Today I’m sitting in my new downtown loft leaning against my upholstered headboard with the glow of the twinkle lights I just attached to it filling the tiny dark room. Despite having just moved in a few days ago, I’m completely unpacked and beginning to feel somewhat settled in. I’m cuddled up in my ruffly teal and purple bedding, complete with a matching mermaid sequin pillow. My room here is tiny, just big enough for my bed, nightstands, and my dresser, which is adorned with my growing collection of stuffies (I keep my favorite purple/rainbow giraffe, Pink, in bed with me). It’s silent minus the sounds of my fingers on the keyboard and the occasional siren or random shouting from the streets.

Despite the fact that it is tiny… I’m proud of my room. MY room. I’ve never ever ever in my 30 years had my own room. Growing up as the second of four children meant I was used to sharing my space. When I moved away from home to my internship program after high school I shared a room with 5 other girls. I made a short pit stop back at home for a few months after that year and half internship program and before getting married. When we eloped I first shared a house with my new husband and his two other roommates for a few months… eventually we moved out on our own to a one bedroom apartment, then a two bedroom apartment, then to what we thought was our dream house which we sold just last year and we moved back into an apartment. Each place was ours. but this one… it’s just mine.

Ah, yes. There it is.

The bombshell I’ve been dancing around.

It feels like there is no truly natural, not awkward way to acknowledge the ending of a season… of a marriage. Life happens. People change and grow and not always at the same rate or in the same direction. We were young, oh so so so young. For a long time we skirted around the seriousness of the issues we were living with. To the world we may have looked like we had it all together, that we were living our happily ever after. We played the parts so well that even we were unaware of many of our issues. We did things right… This wasn’t supposed to happen to us… The fear of disappointing each other, ourselves, and those who believed in us was so heavy that we couldn’t be honest with ourselves. Neither of us did anything more wrong than the other. We still love and care for each other, but we have admitted to ourselves and each other that we are no longer the best fit for each other in a marriage. We are still friends and we will continue to be as we co-parent together. Providing a loving environment… or two… for our daughter is our main priority.

I’m not trying to pretend like this has been easy. It hasn’t. Disassembling the life we built together for nearly a decade hasn’t been easy logistically: we’ve had to decide who gets what stuff and create a schedule for who has our daughter when… financially: the same income we lived on together in one household now has to stretch to cover two households… and emotionally: there is hurt that needs to heal, sadness that needs to felt, and dreams of a future together that need to be mourned. I’ve had days where I feel stronger than I’ve ever been and I can take on the world… and I’ve had days where all I’ve done is cried and getting out of bed seemed to be impossible. I’ve spent countless hours playing through every way I could have done something different to fix it and and just as much time excitedly dreaming of every new opportunity this presents. It’s been a roller coaster. I know those ups and downs will even out eventually… that letting go and moving on is a process.

So, this is 30. Embracing the opportunity for growth that this new decade provides I am now pursuing my dream of becoming a counselor, leaving the suburbs for downtown city living, and disassembling the life we shared as I rebuild myself and my life on my own… now that it’s just mine.

You know when you’re a kid and you think about what you want to be when you grow up? Astronaut, Doctor, Rock Star, Ballerina… Nothing is impossible. We don’t think about the logic or the path it will take to get there. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that in that moment that is what we are absolutely convinced that is what we were made to do. That thing brings us great joy to dream about. That dream may last a day, a month, or years. Maybe you still think about that even if life has taken you another direction. In those innocent moments of childhood we are so connected to our true authentic selves. It’s before we learn to stifle our dreams, desires, and passions to try to fit into some mold society says we should fit in to.

Years pass and we become so used to ignoring the voice of our true selves – our desires, passions, and dreams – that we don’t even know what it sounds like anymore. We spend so much time and effort becoming who we are told we should be. The only voices we know how to recognize are the ones who tell us what we should want or who we should be. So we build our lives on those voices. Some people live their whole lives never questioning the “should’s” that we have always been taught. Some people begin to question those should’s and are reprimanded… and because they are afraid of disappointing important people in their lives or afraid of being rejected or not fitting in they quickly return to their default programming and live out the rest of their lives as they “should.”

Those options seem so easy, so peaceful, so… comfortable. Life is easy that way. Following the default patterns of operating you’ve been taught your whole life takes little to no effort. It’s like auto pilot. Asking difficult questions, acknowledging that there may be a huge gap between who you have been told you should be and who you really are… those things are hard.

As a habitual people pleaser I have lived a lot of my life working to make other people happy. I prided myself on being a perfectionist. If I was going to do something I was going to do it right. I followed all the rules. I was the perfect church kid never getting into any kind trouble. I did what was expected of me so I wouldn’t disappoint people. And you know what? It worked really well for me for a long time. I devoted myself to achieving whatever goals seemed most admirable. Checked off all the boxes… Graduated High School at the top of my class, spent a few years at a Christian internship “finding my vision” (which really meant finding a husband), found a husband, got a dog, a house, a baby, a college degree (that one was a little out of order, I know), a business… And all of a sudden I had this beautifully chaotic life that I had built for myself because it was what I was supposed to do.

But.

I felt so disconnected. Like a shell of a person going through the motions that everyone expected me to. I had always thrived on meeting people’s expectations… Check off one thing on the list and move on. And suddenly I found myself standing there having checked off all the things on that list. I was left standing there wondering if this was how it was going to be for the rest of my life. I achieved all the goals everyone had for me. I made something of myself. I did all the shoulds that were expected of me. And when finally left with enough stillness to hear my own voice… it was terrifying. Listening to the voices of others was easy and safe. I couldn’t disappoint people or be rejected if I did exactly what was asked of me. Asking myself what I wanted and being quiet and honest enough to hear the response was scary. Could I trust myself? I never really had to before. What if what I truly wanted wasn’t “good enough” or what if it was disappointing to those who mean the most to me? I wasn’t unhappy with my life. I was perfectly happy being locked inside my safe cage of expectations. But something inside of me knew it wasn’t right. I needed to learn to trust myself. I needed to get to know myself.

It’s not that the goals I’d worked for were wrong… or that they weren’t something I would have wanted anyway. It’s that my motivation for reaching them wasn’t because I wanted to do it for me. It was because I wanted to do it for everyone else. I needed to feel safe that what I was doing was right so I just did what I was told. Because if I did, I couldn’t be wrong. And if I was wrong and I simply followed someone else’s directions it wouldn’t be my fault. I had to be perfect and blameless. It was what was expected of me, afterall.

I needed to be fully convinced that the life I was living and the person I was becoming was not because it was what was expected of me, but because it was truly who I was and what I wanted. It wasn’t so much the what… but the why.

When I began to realize and acknowledge these issues I knew I had to fix them. For me, that meant quieting as many of the voices I had allowed to dictate my life and expectations. A huge part of that had become the world of healthy living blogs and social media. I knew that this blog wasn’t something I wanted to completely shut down, but I also knew that I couldn’t keep writing empty posts just to keep up my readership or online presence. I started this blog to help inspire others to embrace the process and the journey, every step of the way. I had no idea how much I needed to hear that message myself.

I don’t have all the answers. I make mistakes. Outwardly my life may not look much different than it did a few years ago… but I can tell you that it is drastically different. I have full confidence in who I am and what I am doing. I don’t do things just because they are expected of me. I have more passion and conviction about finding your “why” in life more than your “what”… Because even if your “what” stays the same when you find your “why” it is life changing. When you can passionately and confidently say that you are doing what you love and becoming who you truly want to be everything makes so much more sense. There is a focus and clarity that can’t be explained. It may not be easy. It could be painful. It may not happen over night… it took me a few years! You have to be willing to let go of the all the things people tell you that you should do or should want. Give yourself freedom to explore, grace to make mistakes, and courage to take action.

[Tweet ” Give yourself freedom to explore, grace to make mistakes, and courage to take action.”]

All that to simply say… I’m back!

And better than ever. I’m working on a few fun things as I relaunch this blog. I’m still the same old Courtney, but with a much greater passion for helping others learn to embrace the journey they are on every step of the way. So, I hope you stick around awhile. Sign up for the email list, follow me on instagram and facebook.

Join the conversation either on social media or in the comments below…
How do you think finding your why has or could make a difference in your life?

While I prefer knowing exactly where my food is coming from sometimes it just isn’t possible to spend your weekends at the farmer’s market or to grow your food. In this fast paced, on the go world I end up having to run to the local grocery store and do my best to make good choices. Having a local grocery store that cares enough to supply local homegrown food choices makes making healthy choices for my family a far easier process.

There are far several benefits to choosing local homegrown food. One of the first that comes to mind are the health benefits. When crops don’t have to travel long distance they can be grown for taste and health, rather than grown specifically with the ability to survive while being transported long distance. Buying and eating locally grown food is also healthy for the economy, instead of purchasing food grown across the country or even in other parts of the world you are able to invest in your local economy.

Get all the health benefits of homegrown produce with Hy-Vee’s Local Homegrown Twitter Party July 22^nd at 2pm CST with #WinFreshWinLocal

A team of Hy-Vee’s in-house health experts will be on-hand and ready to answer all of your fresh, local, homegrown questions at our upcoming Twitter Party!

Whether you’re looking to eat more nutritiously or to support your local growers (or both!) we’ll be tweeting all things FRESH, LOCAL and HOMEGROWN and we want to hear from you! When you share your questions with #WinFreshWinLocal during the Twitter Party you’ll automatically be entered to win 1 of 4 Hy-Vee Gift Cards valued at $250 each! A great opportunity for you and your family to enjoy all the fruits and vegetables grown within 200 miles of Hy-Vee stores across the Midwest!

I am excited to announce our partnership with Hy-Vee for this upcoming Twitter Party on July 23, 2015 at 3:00 CT.

Don’t Forget: keep your eyes out for the Local Homegrown program logo when you’re shopping at Hy-Vee!

Do you think about where your food comes from?