oh how i’ve been struggling with this since i started staying at home with Payton. hmm. now that i think about it i guess this goes further back. WAY back. i don’t think by any means that i had a horribly tragic childhood, let me just put that out there. do i know people who had better childhoods? yes. do i know people who had worse? most definitely. growing up in a family of four kids its pretty much a given that there will always be a war for attention. some kids got it by acting out, some by getting hurt…. i chose the “good kid” route. i was always a good kid. i made all the “right” choices and knew all the “right” answers. looking back now i can see how i showed love by doing things for people…. helping with housework, achieving the top award in whatever program i was involved in, taking care of kids… whatever needed to be done i wanted to do it. thats how i got the attention i so obviously craved. in the meantime i think i lost a definition of who i was and replaced it with what i could do. “how can i fix this?” was my first thought whenever i heard of a problem someone had, whether it was a friend, sibling or parent. thing is… sometimes it wasn’t my place to fix it. it wasn’t my job. heck, half the time it wasn’t even my business. this way of thinking transferred itself over to my relationship with God, my marriage and even now my parenting. I’m the classic martha from the old bible story. always doing something. especially since i started staying at home with Payton. i started to feel guilty for not “pulling my weight.” i’d feel even more guilty if i took a nap or sat and watched some tv. i had to be cleaning, baking, organizing, planning…. always doing. i take joy in taking care of chris and payton. but sometimes they just need me to be, not do. this is something i struggle with on a daily basis. its ok to take a break. its ok to just be. to just be in the presence of God and not worry about what you’re doing for Him. to just be with my husband and not worry about cooking for him or making sure the house is clean. to just be with my daughter in the midst of the mess and have a fun time playing and laughing. i am not defined by what i do. i am who i am. and thats a lesson i’m still learning.