Faith, Life Lessons

i am not what i do.

oh how i’ve been struggling with this since i started staying at home with Payton. hmm. now that i think about it i guess this goes further back. WAY back. i don’t think by any means that i had a horribly tragic childhood, let me just put that out there. do i know people who had better childhoods? yes. do i know people who had worse? most definitely. growing up in a family of four kids its pretty much a given that there will always be a war for attention. some kids got it by acting out, some by getting hurt…. i chose the “good kid” route. i was always a good kid. i made all the “right” choices and knew all the “right” answers. looking back now i can see how i showed love by doing things for people…. helping with housework, achieving the top award in whatever program i was involved in, taking care of kids… whatever needed to be done i wanted to do it. thats how i got the attention i so obviously craved. in the meantime i think i lost a definition of who i was and replaced it with what i could do. “how can i fix this?” was my first thought whenever i heard of a problem someone had, whether it was a friend, sibling or parent. thing is… sometimes it wasn’t my place to fix it. it wasn’t my job. heck, half the time it wasn’t even my business. this way of thinking transferred itself over to my relationship with God, my marriage and even now my parenting. I’m the classic martha from the old bible story. always doing something. especially since i started staying at home with Payton. i started to feel guilty for not “pulling my weight.” i’d feel even more guilty if i took a nap or sat and watched some tv. i had to be cleaning, baking, organizing, planning…. always doing. i take joy in taking care of chris and payton. but sometimes they just need me to be, not do. this is something i struggle with on a daily basis. its ok to take a break. its ok to just be. to just be in the presence of God and not worry about what you’re doing for Him. to just be with my husband and not worry about cooking for him or making sure the house is clean. to just be with my daughter in the midst of the mess and have a fun time playing and laughing. i am not defined by what i do. i am who i am. and thats a lesson i’m still learning.


2 thoughts on “i am not what i do.”

  1. I think any mother worth her salt goes thru this exact same conversation in her head. I remember doing it, and, if I am honest, I STILL do it sometimes. It’s a constant battle to remember that it’s not about the money we bring in to the home, but the VALUE we add to it – with our presence, with our love, with our care. AND to remember to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF BY TAKING A BREAK FROM IT ALL ONCE IN A WHILE. And I don’t just mean watching a television show or drinking a cup of tea, tho that is good, too. But to really, truly, take a break from ALL of it and remember your First Love. I didn’t do this until a year and half ago, and I can tell you it won’t take me that long again. I still have the guilty feelings, but put them in check, if I know that I am giving myself in a healthy way to my family and service to my God.

    Love you, Court!


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