lessons.

i enjoy learning.
sometimes the season of learning isn’t easy.
sometimes its long. and painful.
but i can honestly look back and say i’m thankful for the lessons learned up to this point.
and i’m thankful for the lessons i’m learning now.
some are so simple, yet so profound.

i’ve been listening to the song “how he loves us” quite a bit lately.
i am completely blown away by the lyrics, and sometimes I can’t get past the first line…
HE is jealous for me.
the God of the Universe…
the vast, uncontainable, being… is jealous for me.
sometimes i think about what God thinks about me.
obviously I “know” he loves me… but i find myself in some kind of a mess and i can imagine him just looking at me, shaking his head and saying “oh, courtney…” and helping me clean up the mess.
i can relate so much to the intensity of his love, but also the desperation of his frustration.
as precious as my little girl is, there are moments when i find myself more frustrated than words can describe… and its just because of such trivial things… like sticking her hands in her mouth while i’m feeding her… or puking and pooping all over her and me…. and i see her just innocently sitting there, oblivious to the filth she has created around herself… and i’m about lose it and she innocently smiles and all of a sudden i melt. it doesn’t matter that i have to change her clothes (or my own for that matter) for the millionth time… it doesn’t matter that i smell like a dirty clothes hamper most of the day… i’m just so captivated with her big beautiful eyes and somewhat mischievous smile. what she has done or how frustrated i was doesn’t matter. i delight in her. and so i take a deep breath, smile back and say “ok, lets clean up this mess.” and this leads me to ponder upon the times i have found myself basking in my own filthy unrighteousness and i look up and see him reach out his hands to help me off… he tenderly wipes away the mess from my face and kisses my cheek and says “ok, lets clean up this mess.” what a beautiful picture of the heart of God.

but i know that i still have so much left to learn.
for right now, i see just a glimpse in the mirror so dimly

but then.

oh what hopeful words….

but then

even as i type this my spirit jumps at the thought… tears fill my eyes and my heart begins to race….

but then… we shall see him face to face.

what an overwhelmingly beautiful vision to behold.

now, i know in part… but then…. ooooh there it is again, that expectant hope… but then i shall know FULLY even as I am fully known.

oh jesus, i so look forward to that moment.
that moment when i get to see you face to face.
it is that hope that keeps me moving forward with a life that can seem so trivial at times.

thank you for your grace.
thank you for allowing me to see even a glimpse of your heart.

selah.