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Never Say Never
Never. Again. I swore up and down that I would never get married again. I had fallen for the “happily ever after” trap once and was not going to make that mistake again. As a very young and naive barely twenty year old, I met a boy that I thought was my white knight. He came riding in on his high horse to rescue me from the chaos and instability of my life in that moment. In my desperation to feel loved and accepted, I lost myself. It wasn’t all at once, but piece by piece I willingly sacrificed nearly everything that made me who I am to gain that…
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5.23.2020
it was hot and humid, the sun danced along my skin illuminating the glitter that had fallen off my dress. there were people everywhere, but all i could think of was you. i was late, of course, and you already planned to meet me under the magnolia tree. i turned the corner and saw you standing there. “Hiiiiiiiii. Okay, I’m here” i screamed excitedly. you turned around. our eyes connected time stood still. you, my love, are my rock. my childish, giddy, enthusiastic soul needed your peaceful, consistent, persistent love to anchor me. that moment, our moment, is one i will cherish forever. the rest of the night was a…
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give yourself permission
the way we experience the world relies on many factors… from our race to culture socioeconomic status to attachment styles…. and so many more things. throughout my counseling education I have been extremely reflective and attempting to have a level of insight that allows me to understand how and why I behave I do. I’ve written papers about my cultural identity formation, sexual identity formation, and even a 12 page research paper about how my experience of identity foreclosure in adolescence set the stage for many issues. all that educational background to say despite how much insight I try to have sometimes I’m blindsided by my own behavior. I struggle…
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angry
have been struggling in so many ways. I used to be one who shared every struggle and every success on social media. It was my therapy. It made me feel less alone and was one of the biggest weapons I had to fight my demons. Something about exposing my darkness made it less scary. But the last few years I’ve struggled, mostly in silence. I’ve shared moments of both struggle and victory, but each have been muted… Filtered… Because I couldn’t bear to face them all at once or in their fullness. Because I felt obligated to “look on the bright side” and “find the silver lining” and some days……
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my fractured fairy tale
… and they lived happily ever after. as long as I can remember, those words filled my eyes with hearts and my stomach with butterflies. disney movies, romantic comedies, and love songs created a foundation for what I expected from a relationship. add to that the religious teachings of purity culture and I felt like I had my fool proof plan to earn my happily ever after. I just had to put in my time, right? I had to earn it. at 16, I found myself in my first relationship, it lasted a month or two before I felt “convicted” about the relationship distracting me from my summer missions trips and…
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i did it.
Technically I completed my Master of Arts in Counseling on March 9, 2019. On May 11 I got to dress up in an overpriced robe while sitting in the rain for hours to glide across a stage while someone I didn’t know read my name. But it was more than just a symbol of the completion of academic requirements. It was extremely symbolic for me in ways I haven’t really been ready to process until now. January 7, 2017 I walked onto the Webster Groves campus as a naive 29 year old. I had been married for 9 years and I had a 7 year old daughter. My then husband…
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recovering perfectionist.
Guys! There are exactly 28 days left until the end of the term. Twenty-eight. Also, this is my LAST TERM of grad school. Coincidentally, in the same month I graduate – I turn 32 AND it marks 2 years since the end of my nearly decade long marriage. WHEW. To say I’m ready for a new season is an understatement. It’s been over 2 years of late night classes, weekends of homework, recordings of sessions… right along side two years of being a newly single mom, recovering from heartbreak I thought would kill me, and getting to know my genuine self for the first time in a long time. Going…
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words.
words have been stirring in my soul, blurring lines of ink on a page that are hard to make out as they stay jumbled in my head. they burn with passion and intensity demanding to be set free. write them no, no, no… before i can write them i must first create the perfect space in which to write. it cannot be released until i’ve prepared a sacred place to ground my body and release that which is burning inside me. so, i methodically declutter and simplify the space i have. please, just write them. i will, i promise… but not yet. it has to be just right. i obsess…
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Rocks and Feathers
“You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or a week ago. You’re always growing. Experiences don’t stop. That’s life. And the very experiences that seem so hard when you’re going through them are the ones you’ll look back on with gratitude for how far you’ve come” I’d be lying if I said I looked back over the past year and immediately felt grateful for everything I’ve been through. As I sit and reflect on the things I’ve gone through and what they have taught me I am able to intentionally offer gratitude for those experiences, but it isn’t a natural first reaction for me.…
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it takes a village
It doesn’t just take a village to raise a child—it takes one to carry a mother. This honest post explores the power of asking for help, soft strength, and support in modern motherhood.