Some days I really hate the emotional roller coaster that comes along with being a woman. I can be on top of the world one minute and hosting a huge pity party the next. This has happened to me more times than I care to admit in the last week… or day. I have some seriously amazing highs that quickly turn into the self-loathing lows I used to be so familiar with. It is weird for me because for the most part my journey has been one of more highs than lows. So when all of the sudden I doubt my ability, wonder why I even try, and just want to quit it all it feels so foreign.
Last week I had a huge “high” when I reached my goal of back squatting 230lbs and deadlifting 250lbs. I’ve been on a Catalyst strength cycle and haven’t been doing metcons as much. So when Saturday rolled around and the WOD was 4 rounds of 400m Run – 30 WallBall – 15 Box Jumps with a cash out of 20 Thrusters I knew it was going to suck. I didn’t expect it to suck for upwards of 30 minutes. My run turned into a power walk/waddle. It was embarrassing. I felt beat up and worthless. I could feel my fat and skin jiggling around as I attempted to run. At one point my heart rate spiked pretty high, and with my family history it scared me a bit. I haven’t felt that way before so I backed off even more. I was the last to finish by a long shot. My ego was crushed to the ground. It was like I was new fat girl all over again. I thought I had dealt with those demons but they decided to come back out to play.
It didn’t help that someone asked me how I even got into CrossFit because I don’t look like I’d be into fitness at all. They didn’t mean to be mean, but I couldn’t help but feel insecure about all the progress I’ve made. Like, why even try? So, I settled myself into a pity party.
When I get in that “What’s the Point” mindset my eating goes off the rails. Which it did. I mean, not the worst I’ve ever done, but no where near my meal plan.
I finally tried to get my head back in the game and looked forward to this morning’s workout. We started out with a 100m sled push followed by a rope climb. I’ve made some progress with the rope and I was hoping to get a few pulls in. I could barely hold on to it today. I was so mad. Again, the pity party express was going full speed in my head. I hate that I am not where I expect myself to be.
We got into our programming for strength work and I was feeling better. I always feel better when there is a barbell involved. We got to back squat and it was at 85%, which for my new 1RM is 195lbs. 5×4. That’s a lot. But I did it. and once again I felt amazing. I loved that I could squat 195lbs for reps. I felt strong. And I left on that note. I needed something to remind me that I am strong and I’ve come so far.
When I came home I saw this blog post going around facebook. And I cried. because those thoughts are the very same ones I had all weekend long. That I’ve had a million times before. That I’ll probably still have again. But I knew that I wasn’t alone. and that I need to be better about loving my body for what it can do, not what it can’t do.
I am not perfect, I don’t have it all together, but i’ll be darned if I’m not trying to be a good example to my daughter, my clients, and to all of you that you can do whatever you set your mind to.
How do you handle emotional highs and lows?
imperfectly courtney 
In the crossfit realm of things, I’ve learned to set a couple goals and focus the heck out of those, and everything else is just going to come later. I no longer stress out about being last in the class or using a lighter weight in the metcons because my focus, and sounds like your happy place, is with the barbell or strength work.
My only goals for the past 10 weeks (and maybe until July) are Oly lifting/squats and muscle-up progressions. Sure I do a couple WODs a week, but they’re just for conditioning and as another form of working out, not where my heart is.
I say picka couple things that you want to rock out at and shift focus there; and just do the other ones just do to it.. not worry about the placing.
You’re still an awesome inspiration to tons of women, Courtney!!
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Courtney –
I love how transparent you are about this. I think for a lot of women who don’t look like the “typical” athlete we have mountains to climb. I feel the same way when we do a met-con vs. lifting. Because I’m not small I can lift the hell out of a lot of things, but ask me to run and I might weep. I think there are a lot of us out here to are walking the same road and I for one so appreciate your willingness to be so open about your journey.
Celebrate those victories.
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I read that post too and cried! So inspiring and I’m glad it touched you and reminded you you ARE STRONG AND POWERFUL and a great example. Heck, I’m chasing down your numbers on those back squats girl! Keep pushing, keep your chin up and remember you are strong and beautiful!
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Ok who is the insensitive person that would say that to you? LAME! They just just don’t know. I’m all fired up over here. I read that other post too and shared it. I love it. People get too hung up on the games maybe. ???
Either way handling highs and lows are tough. Sometimes mixing it up and doing something else is helpful like running or swimming.
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