I don’t know it all.
I’m not a doctor or a nutritionist.
I’m just a girl on a journey to lose weight and live my dreams.
When I first started blogging I did it to simply share my journey with others and inspire them to find their own journey. I was struggling to find my way on this weight loss journey and I know that if I was, others were too. Then somewhere along the way I started seeing progress, little by little. And for some people it may have seemed like I found the answers. The truth is, I haven’t. I still struggle. It almost seems like the more I learn the more confused I am. The funny thing is I put myself in this place. I’m my own biggest enemy sometimes.
I’m at a place in my weight loss journey where I just feel stuck. I have lost around 25lbs in the last year, which is amazing and something to be proud of. But I’ve also been in the same 5-8lb range for the last 6 months. Yes, I’m building muscle. And no, I shouldn’t care what the scale says… but I still do. I feel like with all the work I’ve put in I should see some kind of change on the scale. It may be a lying whore… but does it really lie that much for that long?
Sometimes I feel like people who say don’t worry about your weight are the ones who are within sprinting distance of their goal or healthy weight. Reality is that I am obese. At 5’3″ and 190lbs my BMI is calculated at 33.7 – which is in the Obese category. I know these scales are flawed as well… but it still shows that I have a ways to go before I get into the “healthy weight” category. Based on my height I would have to weight 169 to get into the “overweight” category… and down to 140 before getting into the healthy range. Again – I know these scales aren’t perfect and don’t take into account muscle and what not. I’m just trying to give you a picture of how far I still have to go…
The thing I’m honestly struggling with right now is my relationship with food. Everyone has an opinion on it…. Eat this, don’t eat that… Count Calories… points… macros… Just eat clean… It’s just SO much to take in. I preached for awhile that Paleo worked for me… and it did when I was I was strict… but the truth is I just don’t like being strict Paleo. Not because it doesn’t work, but because I struggle with crazy guilt when I eat something not Paleo. The whole30 didn’t help with that either. It was great and I felt good – but I didn’t feel like it was sustainable long term. I feel like the guilt I struggle with when going “off plan” is more harmful than eating that way 80% of the time is helpful.
So what does all this mean? It just means I’m taking the labels off myself. I’m going to start tracking my calories and keeping them within a reasonable range. I still will make healthy food choices, mostly likely using the framework of Paleo eating as a guide for good choices… but by taking the label off myself (which I put on myself in the first place) I’m giving my mind a little freedom. If I want a taco instead of a taco salad, I’ll eat it without guilt. It is that guilt that derails me every time. Well, if I’m gonna cheat… I may as well cheat big… blah blah blah. So by allowing myself some freedom I’ll be more at peace with myself. And I need that.
Have you experienced food guilt?
imperfectly courtney 
food guilt is all too common! i don’t keep junk food in the house because i feel like i have no self control. however, when i’m around it (at my parents’ house, in the teacher’s lounge, at restaurants, etc) i feel like i go overboard. i say “practice moderation and not deprivation,” but that doesn’t mean itz easy!
LikeLike
I’m trying to adopt that mindset! I want to be the healthiest and that means MIND and BODY!
LikeLike
I agree with this! “moderation” is key. But even so I still have a binge session and then feel extremely guilty every now and again. I think it is something that takes a very long time to meet the comfortable point – even a long time after we’ve met any of the number goals.
LikeLike
Yea – it’s a tricky balance. But I’m determined to find it!
LikeLike
Guilty is certainly what causes stress and stress makes you eat because you feel like you have no control. It’s a vicious cycle. I love your new mindset – It’s obviously going to be hard to adapt to but once you get into the zone, nothing will stop you. Don’t beat yourself up too much though, you only live once – I am happy that you want to live your healthiest life though! We are all here to root you on, give you motivation and tips too! 🙂
LikeLike
YES. vicious cycle, it is. I’m trying to find the balance between being responsible and disciplined and finding peace of mind at the same time. Not too much to ask is it? LOL
LikeLike
It is confusing. I am struggling too. If I am strict, then I lose. When I give myself slack, then I gain. I am still searching for the perfect balance too.
LikeLike
It seems like it’d be easy to be strict for awhile until you hit your goal and then be able to balance from there. But my goal seems so far away sometimes. When is life going to be “normal”
LikeLike
I did but don’t any more!
Have you thought about Weight Watchers? It is a very flexible program that gives you guidelines but lets you make your own choices. Might help if you need some kind of framework or advice.
LikeLike
Thought about it… Especially since Fit and Free Emily just started… I’m going to work with Calories for a little bit and see if that works, then we’ll go from there!
LikeLike
I feel the same way about Paleo. It worked wonderfully when I was strict with it, allowing me to lose 50 lbs but as soon as I fell off the wagon (ok, maybe I jumped off) the weight came back on like there was no tomorrow. Currently I am counting calories and still eat some paleo and try to cut carbs unless I am working out hard and it seems to be working. And let’s face it, I don’t lose weight like I did before I got pregnant with my son. Find what works for you and don’t beat yourself about it! I am an avid believer in changing things up! You can do this!! I have also found that the more I over think/analyze the whole food thing the mte stressed I get and the harder it is to lose! Hang in there! You are lookin fantastic!
LikeLike
Ugh- Why does it have to be so difficult! Losing weight is hard and I have come a long way… but I’m just still searching for that what works. What I’m realizing is that what works is always changing for me. Thanks for the input- I appreciate it!
LikeLike
Courtney I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been there. That’s why I’ve done the best with calorie counting. It helps me keep my portions in check while still enjoying the foods I want. Even then I still struggle with telling myself enough is enough. Good luck, you’ll find balance eventually, we all will!
LikeLike
That’s what I’m trying now. I hate getting caught up in calories because I can obsess baout them too – but I need to do something to make progress!
LikeLike
Well if this doesn’t hit home. I agree I had to let go of the guilt – it ran my life. It was awful… You are doing so wonderful and you are one of my inspirations – so just know that.
LikeLike
Aw thanks Mel. You’re my girl crush – so we’re even. LOVE YOU! PS- when are you going to come try CrossFit at my gym?
LikeLike
I think you said it best in your last paragraph. Eat for you, track your intake and your output (exercise, etc) and don’t try to be so “stuck” in one particular way of eating (i.e. Paleo, etc.). I think if you feel trapped into a method of eating, the guilt level if you step out of that method only defeats you further – and what good is that? IT is already hard, we don’t need food guilt too.
LikeLike
Amen sister. I’m trying to break out of the mindset of “good” and “bad” or “allowed” or “not allowed” and just eat good food in moderation.
LikeLike
Oh man. I know exactly how you feel. I have been struggling with food issues for… well as long as I can remember. I am so tired of having to calculate every little thing that I eat. Its exhausting. I’m having such a hard time with just counting calories. I’m hungry all the time, maybe its just in my head, maybe it not. But I think you are 100% correct in that we need to find what works for us without labeling it. Great job so far and good luck as you continue!
LikeLike
It is exhausting. I’m trying to focus on my macros AND calories. Have you looked at your macros?
LikeLike
I need to do that! It’s worked for me in the past. Maybe that would be a good next step for me!
LikeLike
Ughhhhhh food guilt is the WORST!
I saw a quote once that made so much sense but I wish it would sink in a little more 🙂
Oh so you had a cookie, now you can binge? Next time you drop your phone you should shatter it. (or something like that haha)
I always do that to myself. Oh I had something “unhealthy” I guess I should just go ahead and eat Taco Bell for dinner then! And then I feel TERRIBLE!!!!
If you find the miracle cure, let me know 🙂
LikeLike
Yea- I definitely don’t want to go totally off the reservation – I just want to know that I can live “normal” and still make progress… is that too much? geesh…
LikeLike
Amen. I have the same confusion happening and posted/vented about it a couple days ago. Like you, I find the more I learn the more it makes my head spin – then I just feel defeated and I’m not sure where to go from there. Gah! It’s all so annoying! Stay strong my friend – we’ll win this war!
LikeLike
YES- We will win. Keep Small good choices and they will add up Do the best we can with what we have, right?
LikeLike
VIRTUAL HUGS ALL AROUND. I love the honesty of this post. I’ve been, I’m still there, and it’s tough. I’m technically overweight and will always have a bit of a belly (thank you genetic insulin resistance) & my relationship with food ebbs and flows.
I’ve been trying to take everything as a learning experience. Whole30/strict paleo taught me that I have problems eating enough/getting enough carbs in. Eating whatever I want, whenever I want has taught me that grains do indeed wreck my gut. Following other protocols has taught me that really, what I need is just to find something sustainable that doesn’t eat up every ounce of willpower I have.
I think nutrition is SUCH an individual thing that being a detective about food, exploring your relationship, and experiencing the good & bad is part of the journey – a frustrating part, but valuable part none the less. I say focus on what works FOR YOU, what doesn’t exhaust your willpower, and what makes YOU feel good.
LikeLike
I think my problem with gaining strength is that I don’t eat enough carbs. Tracking just the last few days has made me aware of that. It is something SO individual that it is frustrating. Can’t someone else just find the answers for me? haha.
LikeLike
I think for anyone who has ever had issues with food/weight, it will be a life-long struggle. I lost 50lbs in HS and have managed to keep it off, fluctuating 20lbs every few years.
And I totally hear you about everyone having an opinion (just eat this everyday for 5 years…). It’s frustrating. I think everyone’s metabolism is different. Ultimately you need to do what works for you. I can’t do paleo. I tried, I went crazy, people thought I was depressed, and I felt incredibly guilty if I cheated.
Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for an honest post. Glad I found your blog 🙂
LikeLike
Food guilt is very common, something that I struggle with immensely. One strategy that has been suggested is to not think of food in labels, like “good” or “bad”. Food is just food. A calorie is just a calorie. Removing the labels can help with the guilt if you try not to associate food with terms that associate with guilt.
That has helped me a bit. But it’s still a challenge, whether you’re at goal weight or not!!
LikeLike
I hate to admit it, because Paleo was good for me in terms of feeling stronger and just overall better about myself, but I have also felt food guilt while on it. I’m someone who preaches “everything in moderation” because that’s been my experience and how I’ve maintained a relatively healthy lifestyle, but Paleo made me feel both better and worse. I hated identifying foods as “bad” and “good”, “allowed” and “not allowed” and it’s one of the reasons I have a hard time sticking to it. Keep working towards your solution, you’re a strong lady with great determination. You’ll get there.
LikeLike
I had the best long-term success with a food exchange diet plan where you had a certain number of servings of bread, fruit, protein, etc. a day to “spend” however you wanted. Sure, I got to eat more food when I made healthier choices, but if I wanted to “spend” a serving of bread or two on some chips, it fit in the plan. As soon as I try to follow a plan with forbidden food or strict calorie counts I go bonkers.
LikeLike
just found your blog. I too struggle with guilt over eating. Last yr at this time I was 20 lbs lighter and i have given so much power to that “guilt”. i dont have a solution. Just one day at a time. It seems to overwhelming to think any further than just making each day a success. For me that is drinking my h20, working out and not going over board. i am like you in that it has to be moderation or it just wont stick.Results wont come as quick but as i have found the times that the weight did come off quickly it came back just a quickly because being so strict just isnt doable. good luck 🙂
LikeLike
Food guilt – great topic. We are all just on the journey of our lives. I am on a mission to get into a healthy weight range myself. Being a working mom, I really enjoy your blog. I too, am focused on exercise – but nutrition is key. I love my fitness pal. It totally works for me. Although it does take time to log in your food, but it does provide awesome stats! I think you might enjoy! I have lost 60+ lbs and have 4 more to reach that healthy goal. After that? Who knows?!? MFP allows you to connect with others and I think that support is key on this journey. Keep up the hard work!
LikeLike
Love this post and that picture of you is badass!!! You are one of my biggest inspirations lady. Stress never helps always makes me binge. You have got this! 😉 xoxo
LikeLike
It is so hard finding that balance between “bad” and “good” foods. Even though I eat paleo the majority of the time I still eat “bad” food and feel so guilty about it. Mostly, because I know what it does to my body and because I work so hard at the gym. Courtney you have to do what’s right for you! Not what works for someone else. I feel like food guilt is totally normal. It’s how far you let it go that’s important. It can really get out of control. You work so hard working out, you are so honest in your blog posts, and you always always make me think! You are SUCH an inspiration!
LikeLike
I struggle with the same thing. If I “know” what it does to my body why do I still want it? GAH. Nutrition is such an individual thing – and apparently that fine line between responsible nutrition and INSANITY is freaking small and hard to walk. But I’ll keep trying. One of these days I’ll get it!
LikeLike
Just recently started following your blog, but really enjoy it because I’m the same height / weight and just found cross fit too. Wanted to send you hugs. You are working hard and looking for answers… the next piece of the puzzle will fall into place! I agree with the others that some way to track what you are putting into your body can help either something formal like weight watchers or myfitnesspal or loseit. Both are good at helping you track… neither one is great at tracking a crossfit workout. But I use it for keeping track of my food, not how many calories I’ve burned or as some use it to see how many more calories they can eat. I’ve been focusing on my activity, just now getting ready to start really focusing / tracking the food again. I can only change one habit at a time or I get frustrated and give up / binge.
LikeLike
I’m so glad you follow along – it’s great to find someone in the same position as you! Hard work pays off – I keep telling myself that. I want to find that peace of mind that goes along side being a peace with my body. I’ve been tracking on MyFitnessPal – I’ll weigh in next week and see how its working.
LikeLike
We are soul mates. I feel the same way. Email me your address….I want to send you something 🙂
shulrick@yahoo.com
LikeLike
Emailed you. MUAH.
LikeLike
Amen to it all! The biggest this I’ve noticed is that this time around as compared to when I’ve lost weight in the past, I’ve felt guilty and then given up. The key is the not giving up part — ok – I had a few unhealthy days == but back on it and remembering that ***THIS*** is my new lifestyle!
LikeLike
SUCH GREAT ADVICE. I feel like I came off Whole30 and said aw screw it i’ll eat what I want and ended up getting right back where I was to begin with… but I’m back to making good choices. And praying it pays off.
LikeLike
Girl, you are the voice of womanhood! We all go through the same mind games. Keep pressing on because you ARE making progress, in spite of what the scale says.
Remember the non-scale victories, keep working on a healthy relationship with food rather than a “program” and you’ll get to the point where more often than not, you see food is fuel, but can indulge without the guilt.
You got this.
LikeLike
That’s my goal! Trying to stay focused and keep going. Hard work pays off – even if it’s not right away!
LikeLike
Just wanted to say that you are awesome and you CAN do it! Maybe consider blogging your calories or whatever too. Good luck!
LikeLike
We fall off, and we get back on. I struggled with an addiction for years. (Smoking) The more I was pressured to do it the less successful I was. The more I wanted to quit but didn’t want to quit….. resulted in smoking more. Is food the same?
Point is keep at it! Keep trying. You’ll hit walls, sometimes the walls hit back.
Sometimes it does more for the rest of us to read a low point type blog. It’s reality, it says we are not alone in our struggles. In a round about way it is encouraging to not give up, and to keep at it.
LikeLike
I have definitely struggled with food guilt. I used to tell myself, I “can’t” have a taco and it just made me want ten tacos. Now I tell myself, I “choose” not to have a taco. Kinda crazy, but it seems to work for me. Restriction doesn’t work for me, but moderation does. I try to eat clean all week and allow myself one “cheat” meal on Saturday. Everyone is different. You’ll find what works best for you. Keep hitting it hard. CrossFit chicks are cool!! I’m so intimidated by it. GAH.
LikeLike
Wow…you are speaking what I am going through right now! I took am “obese” on the charts…boarding “overweight”. Funny thing is, last year when I was down to my lowest in years (looking amazing for me) I was still in the “overweight” bracket. I stress about this more than I should and I struggle constantly with it. Thanks for your honesty. Loved this post!
LikeLike
I struggle with food too. Like you have am confused about the many different eating plans. I refuse to call them diets because a diet signals to my brain that it is only temporary, but in order to be healthy it must be somewhat permanent. You would not believe all the plans out there for those who suffer from an auto-immune disease like I do. Which one do I follow, do I illuminate the beans or the fruit, go vegan, do the Dr. Weil eating plan for Anti-inflammatory diseases. For me the biggest success was the Anti-inflammatory eating plan along with counting calories. I have to confuse I have not done this for a long time. I have been in a funk because how low my endurance is and living with a trach, but the fighter in me says screw this you are worth fighting for. Those mind monsters can be a killer sometimes.
LikeLike
So understand this issue. Food guilt/struggles. UGH! I’ve lost over 50 pounds – actually the original drop was from 220 to 155 but have since put about 13 back on. I am not model tall – just an inch taller than you are so I am at a BMI of 29. I’m not happy with it but not going to sweat it anymore.
LikeLike