writing

Never Say Never

Never. Again.

I swore up and down that I would never get married again. I had fallen for the “happily ever after” trap once and was not going to make that mistake again. As a very young and naive barely twenty year old, I met a boy that I thought was my white knight. He came riding in on his high horse to rescue me from the chaos and instability of my life in that moment. In my desperation to feel loved and accepted, I lost myself. It wasn’t all at once, but piece by piece I willingly sacrificed nearly everything that made me who I am to gain that love and acceptance I so desired. When my marriage ended I vowed never to give away those sacred parts of myself again… I would never ever get married again.

Spoiler alert: I got married again.

It turns out that it wasn’t marriage itself that suffocated my sense of self, it was THAT marriage. A dangerously toxic combination of insecurity, pride, and wounds of the past created the perfect storm that led to my demise. It took years of healing, countless tears, a few more heartbreaks, and some type of divine intervention from the universe to find the one who would change my mind about marriage.

What I didn’t expect was to find a partner who was capable of changing my mind about having more children. I wasn’t against having more kids because I didn’t want more kids, but because the most traumatic part of my divorce was (and continues to be) navigating custody, co-parenting, and knowing that while the divorce was the best thing for me… My daughter has had to pay a price for that.

You would think I would learn to never say never, but apparently I haven’t. As we worked together to intentionally build a foundation of trust, respect, and love it was overflowing. It was out of that overflow that we chose to expand our family. It wasn’t some socially expected “next step” or some need to have a child to “fix” our relationship, it was because our home and hearts were so full of love that it just made sense to expand that. My, what a different experience this was for me.

It was October of 2020 and we were preparing for a beautiful cottage getaway in Maine with our besties who live in NYC. As we drove from NYC to Maine, I casually asked if we could stop for a pregnancy test. I was only a date late starting my period, but I was curious. We couldn’t find anywhere until the next day. It was the middle of the afternoon in that tiny adorable cottage that we found out we were expecting. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to find out about this gift of life than being surrounded by those who have seen me crumble, fall, and work like hell to find peace. ((Sidebar to say: Find your people, your tribe… and hold tight to them even if it means cross country flights, video calls, and countless texts day after day))

10.10.2020

It didn’t seem real. We were too excited to hold it in and video called both of our families from the beautiful backyard in that little cottage.

We were wrapped in so much love before deciding to expand our family and infinitely more love after sharing that we were expecting that it just felt so right.

This baby was going to be one of my favorite life lessons (that I still haven’t learned)…

Never Say Never.

((This post is about when we found out we were pregnant in October of 2020 with our precious Hazel Jean, who is now nearing 9 months old! I wanted to go back and document these moments as I ease back into writing as a creative outlet… We are not expecting another one… not just yet *wink*))