Owning Your Journey

Sometimes I have things planned out to write about. Today was one of those days where I had something totally different scheduled but when I read this post called “of tiny pink dumbbells and fat chicks” I felt inspired to write something totally different. So here we go…

when i first started trying to lose weight i thought i could just drop the weight and be done with it. i’d be a before and after. i’d have one of those wildly successful blogs where i shared all my secrets. i’d get to my “goal weight” and then be able to eat whatever i want and live happily ever after.

ha. wrong.

i thought there would be a quick fix. Especially after being diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis I was certain I’d get on medication and the weight would fall off. I thought that if i could just lose the weight i’d be happier. better. prettier. i started running and loved the feeling of accomplishment it gave me. i loved seeing my times improve.

the weight didn’t come off quickly. i ran into frustration A LOT. i gave up often. i ate my feelings. “well if the weight isn’t just going to fall off then i might as well eat whatever i want anyway…” and so the cycle continued. I would work hard and see results for a week or two and then plateau and give up again. at this point i was chasing a number on the scale.

but then something changed when i found CrossFit. I had already lost a good 25lbs or so on my own and i was proud of that. but i still felt like i was starting from scratch. i had ZERO strength. like at all. I remember having to use two huge assistance bands and have my coach push up on my foot just to do a pull up. Doing any kind of weightlifting was intimidating, just the bar seemed SO heavy. but I kept at it. For over a year straight I got up at 4:15am nearly every morning to make it to the 5am class. I scaled WODs, cried during WODs, bled during WODs, and was often the last to finish. but I never once thought about giving up.

somewhere in between the blood, sweat, & tears it wasn’t just about being a before and after. I wasn’t chasing a body type or a number on the scale. My “end goal” of being 175lbs and a size 12 changed. Carrie explained it best in her post

There is no absolute success in lifting and fitness. It is a progression. Success means continuing to move toward a continually moving target.

Suddenly all my goals became moving targets. I wanted to get over 100lb deadlift (my max is currently 235lbs now!) but once I hit 100 I wanted 105… and on and on. I’m constantly thinking about how I can make myself better. I celebrate the victories, but I’m always striving for more.

When I started this journey I was happy my mile time was under 20 minutes. Now i’m somewhere around 11 minutes (it’s been awhile since I’ve run a mile…)

I’ve put in the sweat and tears and time. I know that I am the fittest I’ve ever been. I have killer endurance. I can lift moderately heavy. I am strong. But you may not be able to guess that if you were to look at me without knowing my story. I weigh 183lbs, still above average for my height. I am a size 12/14/16 (depending on the brand, stupid designers). I’m not what most people expect to be a CrossFit owner/coach. Look at my body and you might think I’m still that chubby girl, but put a barbell in my hands and start that clock and I’ll surprise you. This didn’t happen overnight. There is no 30 day fix. It came from years of hard work and discipline. Hours upon hours in the gym, even more hours in the kitchen.

And so here I am owning my journey, every glorious mountain top and valley of despair. Every euphoric PR and every “Why am I even trying?!”

This is my journey.

Sometimes I forget that. When I see people effortlessly lift the weight I’ve been struggling to get, when people lose body fat twice as fast as I do… I fail to remember that their journey is not mine. I don’t know what they have been through to get where they are. I don’t know what struggles they have faced and overcome. Their journey is different. And that’s ok.

So, next time you see someone and are tempted to pass judgement remember that you may not see the whole story.

And next time you may be the one being judged, remember they don’t know your journey.